WATER PUMP PLIERS

Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH

Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your

garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you’re trying to get the bear­ing race out of.

 

WHIT WORTH SOCKETS

Useful for working on pre-war cars and motorcycles, but mainly for impersonating that 9/16” or 1/2” socket you’ve been searching for the last 15 minutes.

 

DRILL PRESS

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

 

WIRE WHEEL

Cleans rust on old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, “Ouch...”

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK

Used for lowering an Austin 7 to the ground after you have installed your rebuilt brake cross shaft, trap­ping the jack handle firmly under the front axle.

 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG 2x4

Used for levering Austin 7s upwards on hydraulic jacks.

 

TWEEZERS

A tool for removing wood splinters.

 

PHONE

Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

 

BODY FILLER SPATULA

Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise -used mainly for getting dog-doe off your boot.

 

BOLT AND STUD EXTRAC­TOR

A tool that snaps off in stud holes in Austin 7 engine blocks and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

 

TIMING LIGHT

A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build-up.

 

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST

A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and throttle linkages you may have forgotten to discon­nect.

 

1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER

A large engine mounting prying tool that inexplicably has an accu­rately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

 

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER

A handy tool for trans­ferring sulphuric acid from a bat­tery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doormat, just as you thought.

 

AVIATION METAL SNIPS

See hacksaw.

 

INSPECTION LIGHT

The mechanic’s own tanning booth, it is a good source of vitamin D, ‘the sunshine vitamin,’ which is not oth­erwise found under Austin 7s at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105 mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER

Normally used to stab the lids of old style paper and tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

 

AIR COMPRESSOR

A machine that takes energy produced in a coal burning power station 100 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened years ago and rounds them off.

 

CROWBAR

A tool used to crum­ple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

 

HOSE CUTTER

A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.